NEWSFLASH! CONGRESS DISSOLVED BY CLINTON

PRESIDENT CITES HARD- LINE OPPOSITION TO REFORM DOLE AND GINGRICH IN CHAINS YELTSIN APPLAUDS

SEPT. 21, 1993 -- SEPT. 21, 1993 -- PRESIDENT CLINTON took the bold step today of dissolving Congress in clear violation of the Constitution. Clinton cited the need for this unusual step by pointing out that hard-liners in Congress have continued to block all his attempts at reform in health care and campaign finance and passing an effective crime bill. "We reached a stalemate at which there was no hope. These members of the legislature are merely fighting to preserve the old system and protect their positions of privilege. Besides, you probably won't notice much difference," the president stated in a televised address from the Oval Office. The president wore a dark blue, double-knit suit that smartly contrasted with his egg-shell white all-cotton shirt and salmon-colored silk tie. His hair appeared to have been rinsed twice with an organic conditioner, giving it a sheen that strikingly reflected the TV lights.

According to aides, the president was clearly pleased to see the proper speech appear on the TelePrompTer. Clinton called for free elections, as opposed to the costly ones that Americans new endure.

Historians pointed out that this is not the first time a president has circumvented the Constitution, noting that Republicans have shown a tendency to do this, especially when covert foreign policy and arms are involved. Hard-liner insurgents in the now-defunct Congress resisted the decree and quickly declared Bob Dole president of the United States. Constitutional expert Alexander Haig hurriedly held a news conference to explain that in such times of emergency, presidential power should immediately be transferred to the most recent former secretary of state who also once served as head of NATO.

This conflict comes only a year after the historic peace agreement between two bitter enemies who had previously refused to acknowledge each other's right to exist. At that time, Clinton and Dole agreed to set aside their differences to work for passage of NAFTA. Now an embittered Dole and his followers have barricaded themselves in the Capitol building and announced they would stage a coup if necessary to force Clinton out of office. White House press secretary Dee Dee Meyers reacted to this threat by terming Dole and his supporters, "the coup klutz clan."

Dole named Rush Limbaugh as his presidential spokesman. Limbaugh, reached between tirades, said he was delighted to be asked to participate in any insurrection against liberals and explained that he will depart for Washington immediately after his broadcast, in which he was blaming Clinton for a hail storm in North Dakota.

A White House official, who requested anonymity and previously directed communications for Reagan, indicated that Clinton had been planning this initiative for weeks by diligently courting the military in order to garner their support. He went deer hunting with the Joint Chiefs using semiautomatic assault weapons and hosted a series of White House barbecues for more than 350,000 troops.

Clinton also seems to have the popular support of the people. Only a small group of protesters appeared in Lafayette Park to support the hard-liners barricaded inside the Capitol, but that may be due to the fact that conservatives simply don't know how to protest publicly, having hardly done it before. The streets of Washington were filled with gunfire, but police dismissed this as the normal drug- and crime-related activity and no cause for additional alarm.

Clinton has also taken action to ensure that the renegade former members of Congress do not get access to the airwaves and reach a massive portion of the electorate by surrounding the studios of "Larry King Live" with armed soldiers. King assured the president that he intends to stick with his scheduled guests, Michael Jackson and Burt Reynolds, who have been dominating celebrity news for the past year.

Russian President Boris Yeltsin phoned Clinton to offer his support. Yeltsin told him that by subverting the Constitution, dissolving Congress and controlling the media, Clinton has demonstrated his commitment to the principles of democracy.

Robert Hirschfeld is a Washington writer.

Articles appear as they were originally printed in The Washington Post and may not include subsequent corrections.